30 Reflections on Turning 30
Originally published on November 17, 2020
Photo taken by the talented Timson
For those that have been around here for a while, been following us on social media or knew us when we were Jen Y Insights, you’ll know I (Jen) like to reflect on life’s lessons. Below are 30 things I’ve reflected on learning over the last ten years.
01. What do you want out of this one precious life of yours?
Investing time and effort into learning about yourself and what you want out of life is one of the best time investments you can ever make. Period. It doesn’t mean this is necessarily easy. And, your understanding of yourself changes over time. The core of you - your values and your personality remain relatively stable over time, however remaining open to having your perspectives, knowledge and mind changed mean you are more easily able to adapt to life’s challenges.
Answering some of these questions can be life changing: Who are you? What do you want? What do you not want? How do you want to be spending the majority of your time? How can you earn a living in a way that is meaningful for you and energetically sustainable?
02. Invest in rest and recovery or invest in burnout
Learning to meditate at age 24 has been one of the best time investments in my wellbeing. Knowing how to soothe my nervous system, how to regain focus and how to be kinder to myself is invaluable.
I’ve learned this the hard way - burnout and exhaustion leading to developing challenges with my mental health (being diagnosed with high functioning anxiety and depression in 2016). Teaching myself how to meditate and then carrying on a regular mindfulness practice plus doing regular dancing are practices that have transformed my wellbeing. Naps are not for the weak. Meditation isn’t weird - it’s been practiced by people for thousands of years. Working 60-70 hour weeks may work for a very small minority, but for most it’s unsustainable.
Like with #1, knowing the answers to the following questions is empowering: What activities make you feel grounded and ready for the day? How do you release stress from your body? How do you self soothe and connect with others in an authentic way? What do you feel when you’re thriving? What gives you energy and what drains your energy? What are the warning signs for when you’re going off track with your wellbeing?
03. It’s okay not to feel/be okay
Everyone has mental health. Mental health is a continuum and we fluctuate on this daily, sometimes multiple times a day. A 10 second event does not need to ruin the rest of your day. At the same time, it’s okay to feel how you’re feeling. Your feelings are valid. What matters is how you react and your behaviour. Everyone is carrying around their own “bag of sh*t” (i.e. their challenging life experiences). Some hide these better than others. Know that you’re not the only one that feels how you’re feeling.
04. Be kind to people
Be kind to people. You never know what’s happening in the other person’s life. How you treat another person may just make their day… or save their life. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others and be kind to the environment is a personal life philosophy of mine :)
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did but people will never forget how you made them feel” - Maya Angelou
05. Looks aren’t everything
Looks aren’t everything. Trust me. This is especially important for females to hear as so many of us have been raised in a society that tells us that our appearance is what makes us worthy. Many of us have also received messages that changing our appearance to fit in with society’s definition of “attractive” will make our lives better and easier. It’s called a “pretty privilege” and causes so much pain - physically, mentally and emotionally - for so many. A big lesson for me has been to find a sense of worthiness in more than my appearance, and, to provide compliments and feedback to other females (especially young girls) on things other than their appearance. Boys are often complimented on how smart, strong, clever or determined they are. Girls are often complimented on how pretty, sweet, kind or generous they are. What would the world be like if girls were complimented more on their abilities, their efforts and their leadership-qualities-without-being-self-sacrificing?
How you feel in your own skin, how engaged you feel in life and how energised you are is internally more important. Beauty is impermanent (even though a good red lipstick can truly boost one’s mood on a wet weather day!) I can’t pretend to have this lesson nailed everyday, but I’ve found the closer I get to 30, the more secure I am in my own skin and the less I try to be like what external beauty standards showcase.
06. Comparison is the thief of joy
This one is easier said than done as our brains are wired to compare as it helps make judgements and decisions easier. Instead, compare yourself to who you were yesterday rather than to who someone else is today. Social media shows the highlights reel of life, not everyday reality. Stay in your own lane and keep showing up everyday as the authentic you (as challenging as this sometimes may be).
Nature is your friend in these instances. Go for a walk in the fresh air (if you’re able to during this pandemic), ideally involving a hill or going somewhere so you can get a different perspective. Seeing things from a distance helps to ground oneself and get a different perspective. It can also help us see how small we are in the scheme of things and may help us to laugh a little bit more about what we’re experiencing.
Still one of my favourite photos: the summit of Roys Peak, Wanaka, New Zealand 2014
07. Notice what makes you feel good, joyful, light and energised
Do more of that to balance out the more mundane and challenging moments. The quote that got me to make some big life and career changes (once I’d worked through my quarter life crisis) was “most people die at 25 but aren’t buried until they’re 75”. So, refer to reflection #1 and this quote below:
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is more people that have come alive” - Howard Thurman
This reflection is really aligned with the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Bronnie Ware:
1 - “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”
2 - “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard”
3 - “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings”
4 - “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends”
5 - “I wish that I had let myself be happier”
I’m truly grateful to have learned all of the above before turning 30, that’s for sure!
08. The greatest growth, learnings and memories come outside of your comfort zone
It’s uncomfortable AF. However: lean into it, breathe through it, be kind to yourself and then celebrate your efforts. When I felt lost career-wise but knew where I wanted to be I knew I needed to do things differently. So, I decided I’d intentionally stretch my comfort zone everyday for 40 days by doing something new, something outside my comfort zone or something that scared me sh*tless. This experiment that I called ‘40 Days of Facing Fear’ ended up being one of the best things I’ve ever done and was a major turning point in my life. This blog contains the 10 lessons I learned. I couldn’t recommend doing comfort zone challenges enough.
This Facebook post was the start of Jen Y Insights (which later became Intentional Generations)
09. You know yourself best
No one will understand your desires or visions for your life like you. Not even your family or friends. Your family and friends often want to keep you safe and not to get left behind or lose the person they once knew. This is okay. Still love them for who they are. Other aligned people will understand this new vision and accept this new version of you. Growth is scary - not just for you but for others who’ve known a previous version of you. Often when we change or improve something about ourselves it showcases to others what they’re not changing. I learned this the hard way when I gave up drinking for 2.5 years and some people took this life decision very personally. Life changes unfortunately can cause others to feel insecure and feel like you changing yourself is personal or about them. Being strong in who you are is a wonderful character trait.
10. Everything is impermanent
This too shall pass. Sometimes you’ve got to take things breath by breath, moment by moment or day by day. Just like fashion seems to be cyclical, so is life. The road to growth is not linear - it involves periods of exponential growth followed by speed bumps, set backs and mini wins.
On a side note: as a female, tracking your menstrual cycle is game changing! Learning the times of the month you’re likely to have more energy, when you’re likely to experience PMS and lower energy and when you may want to cuddle up with chocolate and movie = you’re more #inflow (unintentional pun).
11. Get up, dress up, show up every day
No matter how “small” this is - getting out of bed, having a shower, putting on some fresh clothes and getting a bit of fresh air. Even on the most challenging days, life is still worth living for.
12. You are stronger and more adaptable than your brain tells you
You can do hard things - failures, “stretch experiences”, heartbreaks, unfamiliar situations, pandemics, family illnesses etc. Your brain overestimates how challenging a situation is and underestimates your abilities to cope with it. Know that your brain is wired to keep you safe, and not to make you happy. Sometimes you have to be your own cheerleader and tell your inner critic that you're more capable than it thinks you are. Will your inner dialogue be like a lifelong shitty roommate or like a personal cheerleader?
13. Being alone does not mean you have to feel lonely
On a yoga retreat in Bali, 2017. A few days before this I’d been working through feelings of aloneness vs loneliness, so I booked myself into a yoga retreat to exercise, rest and reflect. An incredible experience.
I learned this lesson when I was in a long distance relationship and solo travelling for the first time in my life. I was in a situation that I’d previously thought would be heavenly: at a resort with a pool in Ubud, Bali. Yet, I had to consciously tell myself it was okay to feel happy and relax, even though there was no one there with me. I learned that loneliness is a state of mind, and often a temporary feeling. Being single or solo is also seen less favourably in society. While I absolutely love connecting with people, it’s also okay to indulge my introverted tendencies without feeling “less than” or that there’s something wrong with me for liking alone time.
14. Learning to love yourself can be a journey
Thinking or believing that we’re “not enough” is a burden that many may experience. This may take the form of "not educated enough”, “not thin enough”, “not wealthy enough”, “not strong enough” etc. The truth is that you’re not defined by your weight, appearance, money in your bank account, social media followers, whether you have a significant other etc. Learning to love yourself as you are can be journey but it’s one of the most worthwhile journeys you can undertake.
15. Eating vegetables isn’t always fun, but they are good for you
Learn to notice how different foods and activities make you feel. It took me until I was 26 to be diagnosed as highly sensitive to different food types, including gluten, dairy, onions and chickpeas. I eat them now at my own peril. Turns out that mum was right: greens are good for you.
17. Movement is medicine for the mind
Dancing and aerial fitness are two of my favourite movement activities!
Dance, jump, skip, celebrate, hang upside down (aerial fitness photo below) hug a friend, be intimate with a loved one, whatever! Get out of the mind and move the emotions and stress out of the body. Completing the ‘stress cycle’ is one of the most effective ways to avoid burnout and emotional exhaustion - read this excellent blog.
18. It’s not embarrassing to like 90s pop music or Disney movies
If it brings joy to your life and doesn’t harm yourself or others, GREAT! There’s a difference between being childish and childlike. Having the energy, curiosity and joy of a younger person is the envy of many! You do you, boo boo! :)
19. Define your own decision making criteria
Are you making the decision for you, for someone else or because you think you ‘should’ because of some type of societal conditioning? It can be useful to define your personal criteria for what you’ll say ‘yes’ to. Also, what you say ‘no’ to means you can say ‘yes’ to the things that really matter to you. Your time and energy are limited. It’s okay to say no to things!
20. Listen to your body’s wisdom
Stop and pause regularly throughout the day. Check-in with how your body is feeling - is their tension in different places, are you tired or needing to move? Then, take the next wise step. Your body is incredibly wise. Notice the warning signs that inform you of needing to slow down and rest, e.g. sickness, break outs, cold sores. Resting is not weakness, nor is self care selfish. Caring for yourself is a gift of self love.
21. Read and reflect more. Watch less.
Some of the life-changing books currently on my bookshelf
Keep learning everyday. Learn about your mindset towards your abilities: growth and fixed mindsets (Carol Dweck’s book ‘Mindset’ is life changing). You never know when an idea may change your life.
What’s your intention behind digital distractions - to relax, to numb out or to block out your experiences? Are you using technology or it it using you? This is without judgement, this is to bring awareness to the reason behind our actions. Understanding this can often help how we feel about ourselves after the event - allowing ourselves to relax vs feeling guilty for wasting time.
22. Find friends that love you for who you are
You are the average of the 10 people that you spend the most time with. Good friends and family are worth more than thousands of followers or acquaintances. Treasure them, appreciate them.
23. Your actions, behaviour and decisions impact others around you
It’s like a ripple effect - a ‘ripple of impact’. Stress is contagious, but so is calmness. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others and be kind to the environment. They’ll be kind to you in return. #karma
24. Progress over perfection
As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve lived this struggle. Studying law involved being in a culture that encouraged perfectionism, competitiveness and other type A personality traits. Leaving law and moving into coaching, facilitation and wellbeing involved a painful unlearning of this - learning to publish things over getting them perfect. I had to ask myself two things regularly: (a) does this need to be perfect? and (b) will anyone die if this doesn’t get done? Your word and integrity are important, and so is your health. Communicate if things need to change. People understand. You’re human.
25. Keep things in perspective
Keeping things in perspective is extremely helpful in challenging situations. That, and being aware of any privileges you have. If you are privileged, there’s a moral duty to use your privilege to help others that are less fortunate.
26. Create memories, choose experiences over possessions and take photos!
Taking part in the Rotary Youth Leadership Awards programme has involved many incredible learning experiences over the years!
Life is short. You’ll look back on the memories you had in your early 20s and your appearance and know the worries you had weren’t worth the worry.
Know that: you don’t need to feel motivated to take action. Instead, taking action leads to a sense of momentum that leads to feeling motivated. Sometimes you won’t feel like doing something - is this because of a lack of motivation or needing to rest? If it’s because of a lack of motivation, find a reason ‘why’ (e.g. how good you’ll feel afterwards) and use it to act. You’ll thank yourself later :)
27. You can’t change the past
As far as I’m aware time machines haven’t yet been invented. So, until they do: know that you can’t change the past. You can however choose whether to be defined negatively by an event or to be inspired to create change.
An equation we were taught on Outward Bound was:
E (10%) + R (90%) = O (100%)
Event (10%) + Response (90%) = Outcome (100%)
Our response to what happens to us determines how we truly experience it.
28. Will you help build someone else’s dream or build your own dream?
This can depend on your tolerance for risk. Building a business or being a contractor or freelancer definitely isn’t for everyone. If you like having structure, having paid days off and having someone articulate your work, then stick with being an employee. There is no shame in this - I wouldn’t recommend the self-employed route to everyone. Being self employed means creating something out of nothing. It means articulating and being able to communicate your own skillsets, vision and work abilities (often in a crowded and competitive marketplace). It means structuring your own hours, own work flow and learning how to run a business. It also means having the opportunity to do incredibly meaningful work, to impact the lives of many and to maintain a sense of life balance that is not always possible working for others. Both options contain their own benefits and negatives. It depends on what you can stomach on a daily basis and whether you want to help build someone else’s dream or whether you want to build your own dream.
29. Your twenties are a LOT of fun and are about figuring out who you are, what you’re about, and what you do vs don’t want
You’re guaranteed to make mistakes. You’re likely to drink too much and rebound like a pro (my friends and I used to do pilates at 9am on a Sunday morning after a night of drinking, which I now think is insane). You’re guaranteed to say things you look back at cringe about. You’re also guaranteed to have a lot of fun, create a lot of memories and have some awesome humans in your corner. Having these experiences are a privilege and will teach you a lot about what you do want and don’t want in life. You’ll cringe at some memories and also be really proud of yourself for other memories. It’s all part of things! :)
30. “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world: indeed it’s the only thing that ever has” - Margaret Mead
Facilitating change with like-minded people
You matter. Your actions matter. Finding a tribe of people that share similar values and deciding on a cause to support is powerful and will carry you further than doing things solo ever could. No person is an island. We weren’t born into this world alone - there were always people around us. Remember that you’re part of something bigger and greater than yourself. We’re all connected in some way with our common humanity. You’re not alone in your experiences. Reach out to others if you want to connect or if you need help. You’re so loved.
Above are 30 things I’ve learned during my 20s. Do any of the above resonate? What one was your favourite? Let me know in the comments below, on social media (@intentionalgenerations) or by emailing us at hello@intentionalgenerations.com
Always in your corner,
Jen Y
Intentional Generations and Jen Y Insights Founder
